Mindfulness of Everything

I don't remember when I made this little doily. Maybe 4 years ago. I like the wooden beads around it. This is easy to make. It's from a centerpiece crochet pattern that I modified. I tried crocheting today. I want to make a couple more similar doilies because they are pretty and useful. I had a hard time.

I couldn't concentrate. I kept making mistakes. I decided to stop crocheting for now. I'll crochet when I am better. I thought I could do it now. I thought crocheting was like meditation. It is repetitive and you just keep counting. I can do mindful breathing in and breathing out. I can meditate to calm myself. I focus on my breathing and parts of my body. It's wonderful and it helps me. But crocheting was hard.

Way back 2006, I started crocheting and I claimed that it helped me with depression. At that time I didn't really understand what was going on in my life. I decided to live with someone who is now my husband. That was 2005. I didn't understand what was going on. The depression started within the year. I began crocheting after I found some yarn in the apartment we rented. We stayed in that apartment for 4 years. My trauma grew deeper and deeper. I thought crocheting was helping me. Maybe it did. But only for some time.

Well I have other concerns at the moment. This is the dirty kitchen. This was built in 2017. It was hot and enclosed and suffocating. I decided to have it renovated. The roof will be higher, there won't be any solid walls, the space will be open and free. At the back will be a tub. This will be my outdoor art studio. 

The cat Little Grey likes the open space. She likes it because she doesn't get trapped in there anymore. She's afraid of the workers. But she's here now because the workers are away having their lunch. I'll enjoy Little Grey's company when I start making my art in this space. She's very affectionate. She has a problem with one eye. It started when she was a kitten. She was playing with her mother and her mother accidentally scratched her eye.

My old grey garden shoes are nearly worn out. So I got these. I was deciding on black or gray. I chose bright color. Penny said these were like a kid's shoes. I love it. I have an eye for color again. I love color.

I made this painting for my sister. That's her bulldog. This painting is very colorful. I think I am regaining my love for color and this feeling is stronger, sharper, happier.

It has been raining every evening. It rained a lot these past days. But today it's very sunny. So I brought the cacao beans outside to continue drying. I love going under the sun. I love the warmth and the way the colors stand out under the sun. I think I have a better feeling for space now too. I have removed barriers and fences around the house. We don't need them anymore because I've sold most of the ducks and chickens. Suddenly the spaces around the house feel much better, more free and open.

With such sunny weather, the sky is very blue. But that kind of blue means it will rain tonight or at dawn. Evening rain and daytime sun is perfect for the plants. They love it. The plants grow tremendously overnight when that happens.

Look at this ground cover of sweet potato. These can grow so quickly with the sun and rain. The sweet potato leaves are edible and I love to cook these, chopped finely, with egg and some garlic. Sweet potato suppress weeds too. Where the sweet potatoes grow there are not many weeds. Animals eat sweet potato leaves too. 

I cook everyday for myself and my husband. Despite all my problems I make sure there's good food to eat. The fried rice has herbs from the garden. The minced meat is pork from a pig that I raised from birth. I've been raising and breeding livestock for 7 years now. I am intimate with birth, illness and death. Sometimes I feel that I'm too old to continue farming. But I don't really want to stop. So I'm doing things today that help make farm work much easier. I understand better that what I do now determines the quality of life I'll have in the future. So there's no need to worry about the future. I only need to mind the here and now.

When I crochet again I will do it mindfully. I know about the practice of mindfulness of everything, but somehow crochet escaped me. Maybe because I used crochet as an escape, a distraction, from despair, rather than a path through despair and into hope. Anyway, I will just enjoy the day.


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