Early Evening Sitting Meditation

All week was so hard for me. My pig died. My husband behaved in ways that made me feel even more afraid, alone and despondent. I started hurting myself again. It was just too much. I have asked for help five months ago. I only wanted two things: competent psychotherapy for my husband and psychological assessment for myself. It has been five months now and there was still no progress. Those are not unreasonable demands.

At least, I have a very good psychotherapist. I work hard on getting better. But I could not sustain my progress because things around me have not changed much. So I try to get help changing things around me. But it is taking too long getting good help. I was treated badly by the hospital that was supposed to organize my psychological assessment.

A few days ago I started eating meals by myself. I cook everyday and I love to cook because I love to eat. My husband is a very lucky man. But I suffer when I eat with him because he makes me feel devalued, and dismissed. There is no mutuality in my marriage of 17 years. This is why, among other problems, I need help. 

Eating by myself made me feel better. I stopped hurting myself. I could focus on the taste of the food. I could enjoy the view of the garden while I eat. I don't feel anxious or afraid or angry. I was able to go on a long walking and sitting meditation yesterday. I started after feeding the animals in the early evening. 

Here is the view when I sit on the large logs in the garden. There are lots of ferns growing wild. The fence on the right keep the pigs from going to the house. On the left the pig housing is a bit visible. 

The tree is mahogany. It is allelopathic and invasive. I asked to cut them so the many native trees and plants around can grow. I saw a papaya seedling growing between the logs. I hope it will not be eaten by the pigs. It is protected by the logs.

The house is a distance away. One could barely see it through all the vegetation. I love sitting here, it is quiet and safe. Behind the house is a terrible neigbour where drunks make lots of noises. Being away from that makes me feel better.

Sometimes I feel bad about cutting the tree. But when I see that it is rotting into the ground and there are lots of things growing around, inside and over it, I understand better what is going on. Personally, I would like to be buried in the garden when I die.

Look at all these ferns growing wildly. In some place, people spend lots of time and money trying to grow ferns and plants like these. They want a tropical rainforest ambience. They want that kind of experience. Here, it doesn't take much at all to have that ambience. In fact all you have to do is leave things alone.

This log looks like a dead body in the garden. My dead pig looked like that because she was very large. I had her buried. She is returning to the ground. Like this log. 

When I look at these photos I recall how peaceful it was sitting there. I could only faintly hear the drunks singing in the distance. I could hear children playing nearby. But I could not see them and they could not see me. I love that the plants and trees hide me.

I stayed in the garden until it started getting dark. I have peace inside of me at the moment. When I am severely dysregulated it is hard to think about doing this. I can't do this when I am severely dysregulated. I was able to reduce dysregulation by eating on my own. I should remember the protocol of reducing dysregulation. Mindfulness cannot stop severe emotional and behavioral dysregulation.


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